> I just love writing and I can’t stop.
> I’ve axed another group but have stayed in the two
> Zen groups. I’ll have to gain some control over
> this...

Why? Seriously why? If you love writing - WRITE. THAT’S IT!

Instead of trying to gain control, try just watching
for a bit, watch what you feel, what you think about
writing. Become intimate with how your body
responds when you are thinking about these things, how
your breathing is when you are sitting at your pc
emailing.

Zazen is also intimacy, intimacy with our
minds and bodies as they are right here and now.
Allowing that intimacy, by itself brings insight. You
can trust your zazen and you can trust your ability to
be aware of what you are doing. You don’t have to
worry about control.

> I’m out of balance because I’m still perceiving
> that life and death are concrete.

Forget, for now, the ‘because’, simply stick with that
first thought - “I’m out of balance.” There is no need
to go beyond that. Watch that feeling, that thought,
see where it comes from, what happens to it and what
happens to your body and mind when you have that
thought.


> I just love writing and I can’t stop.
> I’ve axed another group but have stayed in the two
> Zen groups. I’ll have to gain some control over
> this.::::::::::::::::

Why? Seriously why? If you love writing - WRITE.
THAT’S IT!

Instead of trying to gain control, try just watching
for a bit, watch what you feel, what you think about
email and writing. Become intimate with how your body
responds when you are thinking about these things, how
your breathing is when you are sitting at your pc
emailing. Zazen is also intimacy, intimacy with our
minds and bodies as they are right here and now.
Allowing that intimacy, by itself brings insight. You
can trust your zazen and you can trust your ability to
be aware of what you are doing. You don’t have to
worry about control.

> I’m out of balance because I’m still perceiving
> that life and death are concrete.

Forget, for now, the ‘because’, simply stick with that
first thought - “I’m out of balance.” There is no need
to go beyond that. Watch that feeling, that thought,
see where it comes from, what happens to it and what
happens to your body and mind when you have that
thought.

>I’m the subject who is contemplating the object
>(life) and I’m assigning it two opposing
>attributes—life and death. This is a total
contradiction—a blatant one–and I’m still stuck!
::::

As long as you think you’re stuck…guess what? There
is a contradiction as long as you start off from the
premise that there is a contradiction. Tell me this,
using your very first thought - What is it that has
spring, summer and fall? What is it?

> :::::Laughing with my entire being
> sounds interesting.::::

You have done it before, as a child, as someone
totally forgetting themselves for however brief a
time. It is not alien to you. It is part of your own
nature and you already know it well.

> :::::Yes. I’m kidding myself.
> I realize that the finger is not the key to
> enlightenment.

Sometimes it is. Sometimes the finger is the whole
world. Without thought of self, there is only whatever
you are doing in this particular moment. Awareness has
neither size nor shape. Sometimes it encompasses all
worlds. Sometimes, it is the size of a comma in an
overlong sentence.

> However, I haven’t had Great Death yet–
> dark night of the soul (maybe). I’ve been having
> transpersonal nightmares for months. For a while I
> was optimistic and thought that it was just the
> aftermath of the dream.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..::::::::::::::::

That dark night, when there is nothing you can do that
will bring better than temporary relief, where
everything you touch seems to turn to dust as you
watch, that is something we each go through. There are
no easy answers. There is no easy way to tell someone,
who feels that is no reason to get out of bed some
mornings, that there is a reason.

Even if that reason is only to realize that getting
out of bed, going to work, or school, takes courage at
times. And that is a courage that those who haven’t
yet been through that dark night can never really
understand.

The dark night humiliates and obstructs us at every
turn, until finally we are left with the clear and
certain knowledge that we know nothing, have nothing
and are nothing.

Then Great Death takes place for the first time. You
will not be there to witness your own death. But in
the act of laughing, fixing a faucet, or editing an
article, you will suddenly realize who it is that had
that great death, who it is that now manifests Great
Life, and you will know directly for yourself why you
are alive and what a shining and eloquent miracle your
life is.

I’m at home wherever I am
and in the room of lovers
I can see with closed eyes
the beauty that dances

- Jalal Udin Rumi

Bassui’s Talk on One Mind puts it this way:

At work, at rest, never stop trying to realize who it
is that hears. Even though your questioning becomes
almost unconscious, you won’t find the one who hears,
and all your efforts will come to naught. Yet sounds
can be heard, so question yourself to an even
profounder level.

At last every vestige of self-awareness will disappear
and you will feel like a cloudless sky. Within
yourself you will find no “I,” nor will you discover
anyone who hears. This Mind is like the void, yet it
hasn’t a single spot that can be called empty. This
state is often mistaken for Self-realization. But
continue to ask yourself even more intensely, “Now who
is it that hears?” If you bore and bore into this
question, oblivious to anything else; even this
feeling of voidness will vanish and you will be
unaware of anything - total darkness will prevail.

[Don't stop here, but] keep asking with all your
strength, “What is it that hears?” Only when you have
completely exhausted the questioning will the question
burst; now you will feel like a man come back from the
dead. This is true realization. You will see the
Buddhas of all the universes face to face and the
Patriarchs past and present. Test yourself with this
koan: “A monk asked Joshu: ‘What is the meaning of
Bodhidharma’s coming to China?’ Joshu replied: ‘The
oak tree in the garden.’ ” Should this koan leave you
with the slightest doubt, you need to resume
questioning, “What is it that hears?”

> “What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it.
> You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s
> something wrong with the world. You don’t know what
> it
> is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind,
> driving you mad.”
>
> :::: Did they rip this off of the Matrix movie or
> vice versa? Actually, trying to solve the mystery >
is driving me more
> nuts then before I started seeking. ::::::

No, I made a mistake. It is from the Matrix.

> “You are not your job. You are not the money in your
> bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are
> not how much money is in your wallet. You are not
> your
> fucking khakis. You are the all-singing, all-dancing
> crap of the world.”
>
> :::: Another buddhist once said to me “I come from
> the land of Bullshit—REMEMBER THAT”. Thus, I have
remembered! Actually, they had used either a Japanese
or Chinese word for the shit part
—Okinaka-something. Anyways, thanks for your help.

Also remember that we come from a place of inherent
honesty, with nothing to defend, a place of openess.
It is our one true home and it is also right here and
now. And believe me, I have not helped you. If I had a
tiny degree more insight I would instead have really
helped by frustrating you even more. ;o)

The Renegade

I do not exist,
am not an entity in this world or the next,
did not descend from Adam and Eve
or any origin story.

My place is the placeless,
a trace of the traceless.
Neither body or soul.
I belong to the beloved,
have seen the two worlds as one

and that one call to and know,
first, last, outer, inner,
only that breath breathing human being.

- Jalal Udin Rumi

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