I'm constantly reminded of the 'crab mentality'. For those of you not familiar with this phenomena - it comes from the habit that crabs apparently have, when captured in a pot, of pulling down any other crab that tries to escape. Most often it's used in psychology in reference to dysfunctional families and friends and the ways that they attempt to subvert or sabotage the family member or friend who is growing and changing and/or acting in a more sane or healthy way than they are.
You would think that we'd all spot this sort of thing - constant put downs, being ignored, outright attacks, verbal or othwerwise. But that ain't necessarily so. Sometimes this type of behaviour can be a lot more difficult to spot than one might assume. Very often, the dysfunctional person will couch their advice in terms of how much better the saner person would be if they didn't take the course they're planning to take, didn't move or didn't stay with the partner who's encouraging the sane person to think for him or herself, or didn't start at the new job or the new school or whatever. You'll often even hear statements such as, "It's the best decision you could ever make," "I'm telling you this because I love you," or "you can do everything much better alone." Of course it's nonsense and some rational thought and perspective soon reveals just how negative and passive aggressive this sort of 'advice' really is.
If you find yourself in a position where family and friends are offering you advice that could dramatically change your life or direction, here are a few questions to ask yourself that may help you keep proper perspective and clarity.
Is this person telling me these things when specifically asked or just saying it without being asked?
Have they demonstrated a persistent and long term concern - translated into acts, not just words - showing real support over a long period of time?
Is this person themselves someone I'd think of as being grounded, intelligent, clear and capable of critical thinking?
Does this person themselves have a healthy relationship with a person who supports him or her, or does this person in fact have a history of failed relationships and little support?
Has this person's advice been generally beneficial or intelligent in the past?
Does this person ask for as much detail as possible and to hear all sides before offering advice or are they simply waiting for the first opportunity to drag you back down with them?
You would think that we'd all spot this sort of thing - constant put downs, being ignored, outright attacks, verbal or othwerwise. But that ain't necessarily so. Sometimes this type of behaviour can be a lot more difficult to spot than one might assume. Very often, the dysfunctional person will couch their advice in terms of how much better the saner person would be if they didn't take the course they're planning to take, didn't move or didn't stay with the partner who's encouraging the sane person to think for him or herself, or didn't start at the new job or the new school or whatever. You'll often even hear statements such as, "It's the best decision you could ever make," "I'm telling you this because I love you," or "you can do everything much better alone." Of course it's nonsense and some rational thought and perspective soon reveals just how negative and passive aggressive this sort of 'advice' really is.
If you find yourself in a position where family and friends are offering you advice that could dramatically change your life or direction, here are a few questions to ask yourself that may help you keep proper perspective and clarity.
Is this person telling me these things when specifically asked or just saying it without being asked?
Have they demonstrated a persistent and long term concern - translated into acts, not just words - showing real support over a long period of time?
Is this person themselves someone I'd think of as being grounded, intelligent, clear and capable of critical thinking?
Does this person themselves have a healthy relationship with a person who supports him or her, or does this person in fact have a history of failed relationships and little support?
Has this person's advice been generally beneficial or intelligent in the past?
Does this person ask for as much detail as possible and to hear all sides before offering advice or are they simply waiting for the first opportunity to drag you back down with them?
Simply put, if there is more than one no answer for the first three questions - the other person is attempting to subvert or sabotage you. Next time someone offers you advice, go through these questions and you'd be surprised just how many people really do not want to see you grow, be happier or be clearer or healthier. Remember, the attitude behind this phenomena is, "If I can't have it, then neither can you." And whilst it may well be unconscious and the dysfunctional person may not even realize that they're actively harming instead of helping, they are still actively harming. This is not the advice of a true friend or someone who genuinely wants you to be happy.
For those who'd like to learn more about how to survive dsyfunctional families and friends, I'd recommend that you get hold of a copy of:
Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John C. Friel Read more...
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